by Christie Perkins

Yep. That’s my real phone right there. It’s a beauty. I guess I should tell you it was my phone. Was. I took the bridge over to the new world and updated my phone. But I think I needed a special tribute, so here goes. This new phone is the second phone I’ve ever owned. It has a special place in my heart. Farewell. I will miss your troubles.

Psh, yeah right.

Top 10 Reasons to Update Your Phone:

Here’s the top ten reasons you should update your phone (and why I updated mine). They are all true except #2- which technically could be true:

10- You mysteriously find your phone taped together when you leave it alone. Someone in the family annoyed at my phone took matters into their own hands. Gasp. That is so redneck. It looks hideous. But, it only takes a one time use for me to realize that this wipes out the irritation of the back of the phone always slipping off. I kept it taped together for a year (scotch tape works better than duct tape for random phone freezes and the battery reset back surgery).

9-You regularly lose the back of your phone in that too-small-for-your-hand of a crack between the seats. Yep. Even with it taped together (it only lasts a couple of days). As soon as I sit in the mini van- plop, drop, my phone goes cliff diving. Of course you have already stretched the clock minutes rounding up shoes and kicking kids off electronics so you are already pushing the hour. Then your phone decides to curtail your momentum and issue another chase. It is not a simple feat to retrieve it. Grrrrrr. My black phone back on black tone carpet makes me slap my back bones on my own phone target (say it 10 times fast, then growl because you can’t quite get it).

8- Your popularity skyrockets… because you don’t own an iPhone. You are at a breast cancer conference and you are playing get to know you bingo- and you hear someone say in a matter-of-fact tone, “Who doesn’t have an iPhone?” You cringe. You are the only one in a room full of about 300 people who doesn’t own one. They all hunt you down to sign their Bingo card. (Which causes you to lose the game because you’re too busy handing out your autograph). They are all amazed at your ability to caveman it in a high tech world. Hey, at least there’s not a curly cue cord attached to it.

7- Your most texted phrase is: “I’m sorry I only got half of that. Resend.” You can’t read the whole message because your phone doesn’t even know what a emoticon is? It just drops out of the conversation and leaves you with a few random words. It’s like talking to a mechanic about engines. You phone takes a brain vacation because emoticons are too complicated. Your socially backward phone it can’t read facial phone expressions.

6- Message space is limited. If you are not careful to watch the space count then the whole message deletes. You have to start over with your fat finger escapade. If you need more than the space count provided you have to send it over in several messages. Each time you have to reenter recipients name(s) and save it in the draft folder. After that, you have to make sure it is in the correct order when you send it. Then of course you have to remember to send all messages (and the right draft of the right message).

Are you snoring? Ok, moving on to number 5.

5- It takes approximately 37 seconds to download one message. Group messages are a nightmare to answer and read all those messages. And if you get on two or more group messages it really makes for a frustrating day. You are considering getting a rotary phone to save time.

4- You carefully eye (and are jealous of) the elderly gentleman equipped with all the latest devices: a walker, hearing aids, false teeth and who seems to run his iPhone without any difficulty. You realize how out of date you are.

3- You actually know what a map is… but still don’t know how to read one. So, instead, you just drive around for and hour looking for a simple address. Pat yourself on the back because you’re actually exploring the world, not letting a device run your life. Yeah, that’s it. Uh, huh (lace that with sarcasm).

2- Apps? What are those? You’ve created your own app for your phone. It’s a defroster app. You just simple stick your phone in your window and wait for group texting. Once it over heats you shift it slightly across the dashboard until completely defrosted. It takes a good hour for the app to start working but you’re sure to make your millions (…of minutes wasted on a stinking caveman phone).

1- Your friend has your back. No, literally. Your friend gives you the back off of their kids toy phone that matches yours while their poor kids wail about their, now, messed up phone. It doesn’t match but it works wonders. Sorry little guys. You realize that when your world resorts to taking the joy from a kids heart it’s time for a new phone.

Do You Need a New Phone?

Please share this with anyone who needs to update their phone. Let them know there are people who understand their pain. (I’m sure there’s only about 3 people on the planet.) It’s okay man, I get it. You are a rare gem becoming extinct. Take a risk, get a new phone.

And guaranteed, you’ll have a better day.

Share This On Social Media

I hope you enjoyed reading! On some devices my share buttons are a little tricky to find. To access, click on the comment bubble to load up my share buttons and scroll to the top of the page. My share buttons are underneath my title. Click and share!  And oh, have a fantastic day!