Category Archives: Perky with Cancer

Ride the Wave of Goodness

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by christie Perkins

Life is not a constant tumultuous wave of trials, as it sometimes appears to be. Even in a life with stage 4 cancer. Every once in a while there’s a splash wave of goodness that comes your way.

You have to be watching for it.

Ride the Wave of GoodnessLast month was tough for us. We currently babysit this cancer by periodically popping our head in on what is going on. We expect good behavior. But sometimes we find a mess we have to clean up. And sometimes, with some assistance, these messes resolve themselves.

I head into my cat scan a little concerned. My hip has been hurting much more within the last month and my legs are going numb. It’s all a strange sensation- these playdough legs. I wasn’t quiet ready to eyeball my current situation but here I was facing the day. Slight tightness constricted my chest as I waited for the CAT scan to pop it’s head in on me. My breath quickens. My mind tosses around the “what ifs” in my head.

So I pull out my handy back-up plan: I pray. Continue reading →

Guaranteed Picture Perfect Moments

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by Christie Perkins

Sometimes we think we know what is best for us.

Yeah, we think we have it all figured all out. You know, it’s the perfect, flawless, plan. In our heads the picture is complete. We actually think we know all of the details of what is best for us. And then (because we claim the teenage syndrome of “all knowing”) sometimes question why prayers aren’t being answered. We wonder if we are being heard at all.

Guaranteed Picture Perfect MomentsBut if we step back we will realize that our picture’s not quite perfect: we are just a kindergartners attempting to draw the perfect picture. As an adult it is easy to see that a person has shoulders, not just arms protruding from a neck that’s the same size as our thighs and hips. And there’s more to a simple line for our lips. A scraggly lined lip isn’t really fire engine red but a soft muted mauve.

Experience and prior mistakes in our own drawings tell us so. (Well that and my high school art teacher… who knew the eyeballs are not actually positioned on our hairline?) Continue reading →

Yawn. My Stage 4 Cancer Update

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by Christie Perkins

YAWN!My Stage 4 Cancer UpdateSo a lot of people are wondering what is going on with my treatments. This will be a highly unexciting post about the details of my life right now. If you want to skip out… I’ll catch you next week.

Wink. (And we can still be friends. I won’t even know that you dropped out.)

First, I need to clarify what stage 4 cancer is. Most people just nod and give me that far off look in their eye. It’s like trying to explain burns to me. Is 1st degree worst or 3rd? All these numbers cause me brain blunders. Continue reading →

How Dealing with Cancer is Like Building a House

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by Christie Perkins

If you have ever built a house you know the deep ditch neuro pathways you carve from overthinking details.

You even sometimes dream about the process… or have nightmares.

“She turned to the sunlight And shook her yellow head,And whispered to her neighbor_ _Winter is dead.”(1)You have lived in other places and you quickly categorize what you like and don’t like. You adopt and adapt from previous experience the things you should do for the next house. But some things you take for granted, like the placement of plugs. You don’t really think about those details because someone else does the thinking for that.

Unless you’ve had a bad experience with that.

In my last house I had one light switch in a bedroom that was vacationing halfway down the wall. Ok. Maybe not that far. But, you would practically jab your armpit with the door frame before you found the switch… and I always prayed that a spider wasn’t playing boogie man as I felt the wall.

That’s crawly (not to mention creepy). Continue reading →

Midnight Money Tree: Taking the 10:30 Courtesy

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by Christie Perkins

“I can’t take this. No,” I said as I lay staring at what appears to be a 20 dollar bill.

I plopped into bed early, in fact it was an hour and a half earlier than usual. Who knows if the kids made it to bed tonight but I was exhausted and they would just have to figure it all out tonight. One night shouldn’t hurt. I should have gone to bed earlier but we had to muddle through the speedy version of family night and tack on the ritual scripture reading and prayer. I wonder if tonight’s thoughtless attempt really counted… I don’t really want to know.

(Yes, I’ll just close my eyes and pretend it’s all ok.)

The Midnight Money Tree Taking the 10_30 Courtesy(1) But, I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep if we didn’t get that done for the day. So check, check, check. Immediately after getting our family night done I found myself snuggled up in bed. My exhausted body wouldn’t quite slip into dreamland quick enough though. So I laid there thinking instead. Think. Think. Blink. Blink. How is it that when you are most tired you are least likely to sleep? It’s a mystery I’ve never been able to figure out.

All the better that I couldn’t sleep, I suppose. I’ve been having weird dreams lately. Continue reading →

Trust. Follow. Find.

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by Christie Perkins

My doctor appointments were 2 weeks apart. I had just seen my oncologist and everything checked out fine. There were some new things I had to consider concerning preventative measures but I was walking straight down the line of fine, as far as we could tell. I was tempted to cancel the second appointment, the one with my radiation doc. What possibly could pop up in 2 weeks?

It was ridiculous because I was seeing this doctor for the same thing anyway: checking on the well being of my situation.

I’m good.Trust. Follow. Find.

For some time I had been contemplating ditching my doctor appointments altogether. If I was okay, then what was the point. I was plotting a new plan of action: call the cancer center and tell them that I was graduating myself to 6 month check ups. Yes, I liked this thought. Though, yes, I liked seeing my great doctors and staff on a personal level but seriously? This frequent visiting was useless and it was eating my money.

Twice a year should suffice. Continue reading →

My Love-Bucket of Thanks is Overfilling

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by Christie Perkins

All I have is a measly little thank you. It doesn’t quite cover it. My heart is exploding into a million little warm love-buckets and all I can say is thank you. It seems so shallow to the depth of gratitude I feel.

The generosity of others is incredible.

So thank you. Thank you to all the anonymous and non-anonymous people who pray often, or pray once in my behalf. I feel those prayers. I thrive and survive on those prayers.

Literally.

My Love- Bucket of Thanks Is OverfillingAnd you tell me “I don’t do much” or “I don’t do enough”. Oh, that’s what you think. Your little prayer is a ray of hope and sunshine in my heart. Your little prayer becomes a strength beyond my own, petitioning to a higher power who knows just what to do. Your little prayer gives me comfort. Your little prayer does so much more than you realize.

I see a multitude of nameless faces but feel the hands of many bearing me up. To most, I don’t know who to thank and it troubles me that I can’t personally hug you and thank you for carrying my burdens. Continue reading →

When Positivity Goes Kerplunk

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by Christie Perkins

So I’m living in some crazy warped time zone. It comes with the territory of “cancer news” I suppose. In the easy-load-mode I’m scheduling my daily “to do’s” and suddenly I’m thrust into the cancer twilight zone.

It’s eerie.

When PositivityIt’s eerie because the days are long. In my normal world I’ve found myself wishing to squeeze more hours out of the day. Cancer news becomes that wish granter. It’s very generous at stretching out the days. Nice little guy.

So, suddenly I find myself saying, “Wow! Was that just yesterday? It seems so long ago.” Time is no longer my own. Oh boy, is it not at all. Faceless strangers begin writing their little memos on my to do list: doctors, phone calls, return calls, surgeries, temporary kid shifting (thank you all), check ups, check outs, checkbook hocking procedures followed by twisted facial locking procedures. Continue reading →

How Cancer Changed My Grocery Shopping Excursion

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by Christie Perkins

Cancer has changed me.

Before cancer I would grocery shop. Hustle, bustle, grumble, toss. It was just shopping, right? But, really, the thing I liked most about shopping was the people I would brush you're the greatest!against. When I think about it, this random people connection is really the only perk to grocery shopping. I would stand behind my cart and voluntarily hand out smile samples to random nameless go cart racers.

I liked greeting strangers. And to the familiar faces I would give a hey-holler. Personally, I like it when people want to see me, so I assume others like it when I see them. So I ding them with a smile.

It’s simple. But, it’s what I do when I shop. It’s how I shop. Continue reading →

Cancer: Episode 2

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by Christie Perkins

Funny how Heavenly Father has been helping me all along.

You know how sometimes you do things and you think that you are helping someone else. You hope and think you are changing the world in some small way. Your impressions to do certain things are so strong and as you follow them you are certain that someone was being helped by you and your efforts.

But then I realized something: this was all meant for me.

Cancer_ Episode 2All of this stressing, and worrying, and thinking, and planning, and writing was all for me. I was guided and prompted… and reminded of the goodness of God. I prayed many times that whoever needed these words on my blog would feel them and benefit from them. Heavenly Father in His goodness and kindness was telling me eternal truths that I felt so passionately about. I prayed that I would reach that one person who truly needed it.

I had no idea that that one person would be me. Continue reading →